


eight letters

by minhohoho



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: :(, Angst, M/M, What Ifs, implied changbin/hyunjin, mentioned hyunjin/seungmin, my attempt at it atleast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 05:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15834582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhohoho/pseuds/minhohoho
Summary: If all it is is eight lettersWhy is it so hard to say?





	eight letters

**Author's Note:**

> this is me attempting angst ;_;
> 
>    
> Lyrics from 8 Letters by Why Don't We.

It’s that time of the day again.

 

The time where Changbin is alone in his studio.

 

Writing songs.

 

Songs that he pours his deepest thoughts and feelings into.

 

Thoughts and feelings that he doesn’t express well, be it out loud or just a whisper of it to anyone else but himself.

 

Thoughts and feelings about no one other than _Felix_.

 

Lee Felix.

 

Felix who is all smiles, freckles like constellations that adorn his cheeks, voice deep but yet so calming and mesmerizing, shy laughs which are like music to his ears.

 

Felix who is like the ray of sunshine lighting up Changbin’s life ever since he walked in. (Or stumbled into, maybe a little too literally. Because that’s how they met, both crashing into each other on the first day of a new year in uni. Felix apologizing multiple times when he saw Changbin’s expressionless face - which was pretty intimidating if you ask Felix. When Changbin was the type to keep a low profile and things to himself, he felt bad for probably scaring off a new student in their university and offered to buy him ice cream which Felix’s ears perk up and voice a tone higher as he excitedly accepted. Changbin was Felix’s first friend when he started a whole new life in Korea from Australia and he’s forever thankful. Friend that is now his boyfriend after a year.)

 

 

> _" 8 letters "_

 

 

Changbin looks at the music sheet before him, blank and his notebook beside it, the complete opposite ㅡ filled with scribbles of words, some crossed out, some with little drawings around the words and ofcourse not to miss out the name at the corner of the page, surrounded by tiny black hearts and little stars that portrait constellations in the dark sky.

 

Changbin has always been all about that low profile, not easily letting anyone into his life what more his life, he’d describe himself as the night sky. He’s been hurt a little too much before and there’s only a handful of people he lets to get close. When he met Felix, his barrier that he had built, disappeared almost instantly. As if Felix’s being was the light that broke down that dark barrier. It’s a scary thought and sometimes Changbin thinks about it and can’t help but shudder.

 

If Changbin was the dark night sky, then Felix is the stars and constellations that bring out the beauty in the sky, a perfect pair.

 

 

> _If all it is is eight letters_ _  
> _ _Why is it so hard to say?_

 

 

Changbin isn’t expressive with his emotions, he’s not good with letting people know what he feels. Smiles? That’s a rare occurrence, a sight only Felix and a few others have the privilege of witnessing. His boisterous laugh? Only Felix can make him laugh that way. But yet, when it comes to expressing his romantic affections, it’s more like error 404 cannot be found.

 

On the other hand, Felix shows and expresses his affection really well, all too freely without any hesitation. Hugs, soft pecks and kisses, tiny but comforting gestures which makes Changbin feel warm inside and thankful. But at the same time, perhaps beneath those layers of warmth is a wavering feeling, what happens when all of this is over. Is this just a ‘phase’.

 

“Do I give in and bask in these feelings or do I take a few steps backwards before I fall in too deep.” He often asks himself when he drowns deep in his thoughts alone.

 

Sometimes Changbin worries that Felix is so selfless when he’s around Changbin, always showing how much he _loves_ the other without having to say those four letters. The older feels it but yet it takes him a little too long to say it back. The first time Felix said it, Changbin had only stared at the other, unsure how to respond. But Felix had nodded and gave him an assuring look which meant a lot, ‘Take your time hyung, I understand’. Felix knows of Changbin’s past, his ups and downs, what had hurt him before and the younger has always been so understanding. Especially when he says those letters and doesn’t get the expected reply. Instead he gets small soft gentle kisses that tell him what Changbin wants to say but can’t bring himself to. And that’s okay. Someday the older will. (Felix hopes.)

 

Yes Changbin knows how much the four letter words mean, how heavy the message and meaning it carries. When those four letters turn into eight letters is when it scares Changbin a little too much. He’s said it a little too much and easily years ago which didn’t turn out well. It hurt him in ways he didn’t know possible, strengthening that barrier before him. Now, after years of trying to recover and move on, he’s still scared to let those letters spill out of his mouth.

 

Afraid that it will turn out to stab him back without a warning. Destroying him all over again.

 

Felix wouldn’t do such a thing right?  


 

> _If all it is is eight letters_ _  
> _ _Why am I in my own way?_

 

 

Changbin is now scrolling through his phone gallery, from pictures he takes for music inspiration as he’s out and about, selfies with Felix, pictures of Felix, (embarrassing) pictures of his friends which will come in handy for blackmailing. (If there is a need to of course.)

 

His thumb slides across the screen swiftly, slight smile formed on his face. It takes him a second or so to realise his thumb had stopped swiping and he takes a good look at the picture on the screen.

 

A picture of Changbin pouting with his best friend Hyunjin leaning on his shoulder, eyes closed but not actually asleep.

 

The picture was taken a few weeks back when they had a get together at Hyunjin’s place. They were celebrating him getting accepted into one of the best dance academies in Seoul. Hyunjin will be more busy with those and Changbin will have less time to spend with his best friend.

 

“Come on hyung, we’ll still hang out once in a while.”

 

“When you’re gonna be free so rarely that your free time will be spent with that savage boyfriend of yours. I swear how does he look so innocent but when he opens his mouth. Damn.”

 

“Seungminnie is a cute little evil marshmallow alright. He’s only like that towards you because you’re the same towards him. If you’re lovey toward him like me, he’d be the same okay.”

 

At that Changbin fake chokes and clutches his chest in disgust.

 

_Hyunjin_.

 

Hyunjin who is so passionate with his dance, a more out-going guy compared to Changbin, always surrounded with a good bunch of friends. A true social butterfly. Hyunjin is nice, feels familar, like home.

 

They’ve been friends since middle school, staying over at each others place often, parents are good friends with one another. Attending the same high school to college to university.

 

They drifted apart a little due to personal life activities but never fail to keep in touch with social media. Dumb snapchats to each other, midnight calls to rant about little things ㅡ friends, relationships, family, their annoying neighbors, you name it they probably have talked about it.

 

When Changbin went through his dark times, Hyunjin was there and when Changbin recovered (a little) from it, he stuck to Hyunjin and the younger didn’t mind. But when Changbin looks back he wonders, _what if_ he had asked Hyunjin out.

 

What if out of confused feelings, he had asked Hyunjin to be his. Someone he could rely on, who knew him best. This thought is something that crosses his mind often but when he thinks about Felix, he feels a (little) pang of guilt.

 

Does he have wavering non-platonic feelings towards Hyunjin?

 

He glances over the lyrics scribbled across the notebook.

 

Is this about Felix?

 

Or Hyunjin?

 

>   
>  _Why do I pull you close_ _  
> _ _And then ask you for space_

 

 

Changbin isn’t the type who is good with displays of affections but sometimes in the spur of moments he does it.

 

Hugging and clinging onto Felix like a koala, linking their hands and intertwining fingers not wanting to let go even when he has to drive with both hands. (It ends up with one hand on the wheel, one hand in Felix’s.)

 

What he doesn’t notice is that when they hang out as a group, if he’s stuck to Felix by the hip and notices Hyunjin across the room with Seungmin all over each other, he finds it hard to breathe and has to excuse himself. He doesn’t realise this but maybe Felix does. Felix is observant and sometimes his gut tells him things he pushes aside and buries it with what makes him happy and sure.

 

   
  
_I've said those words before but it was a lie_ _  
_ _And you deserve to hear them a thousand times_

  
  


Changbin locks the door behind him, taking off his shoes and slipping into house slippers. He makes his way through the dimly lit hallway towards their bedroom.

 

There’s a figure bundled under the sheets, tuff of dirty blonde hair sticking out, soft snores matching the small unnoticeable movements of the body beneath the sheet.

 

Changbin changes into in his shorts and white tee before climbing into bed. Into Felix’s arms and warmth that screams home in ways that scares Changbin but he still tries to let it seep through his bones.

 

 

> _If all it is is eight letters_  
>  _When I close my eyes_  
>  _It's you there in my mind (It's only you)_  
>  _When I close my eyes_  
>  _If all it is is eight letters_ _  
> _ _When I close my eyes_ _  
> _ It's you there in my mind (you)

  


Changbin spoons the other, combing through the blonde hair a little, face in the curve of Felix’s neck, warm and comfortable. Eyes closed in the dark room, the only light is the moonlight shining through the slit between the curtains.

 

“I love you.” barely audible and Changbin isn’t sure if Felix hears him but then there’s a little squeeze on his hand that is intertwined with Felix’s.

 

Those eight letters may have come out without a hundred percent confidence and certainty but baby steps. It’ll work out for sure. Little by little, Changbin has faith in himself that one day he’ll be able to say it without feeling like he doesn’t mean it.

 

He’s sure about his feelings towards Felix but he doesn’t trust himself sometimes.

 

One day he’ll be able to say those eight letters with full confidence and no uncertainty. It will not longer be partially a lie or half hearted.

 

It’ll be eight letter that flow out of his mouth, from his heart towards the person he wants to spend lots of time with if it is meant to be.

 

_I love you_.

  



End file.
